Phase : Cleansing Self

I wish to call this phase of my life as "Cleansing Self" . Anecdotes often influence the decisions we make in life. Today, I happen to read the commentaries by Adi Sankaracharya (an Indian Philosopher who consolidated the doctrine of Advaita Vedanta) According to legend, while on his way to the Vishwanath Temple, Sankara came upon an untouchable (people who were traditionally regarded as low caste in those days) accompanied by four dogs. When asked to move aside by Shankara's disciples, the untouchable replied: "Do you wish that I move my ever lasting Self (Soul) or this body made of flesh?" 

This incident made Shankara realize the meaning of life. He went on to write a commentary on Arishadvarga — the six passions of mind (desires),  which are kama (lust), krodha (anger), lobha (greed), moha (delusion), mada (pride) and matsarya (jealousy), the negative characteristics which prevent man from realizing his destiny. Lust and anger are responsible for all kinds of difficult experiences which we have in our lives.With the false ego up and active, all our acting in the world becomes selfish and evil. Hence there is no other factor causing the illusory duality and the repeated pain and delusion it entails than the psychological ego-sense. When the materially identified ego has sided with the materialistic forces of creation, it is said to showcase evil passions, man's spiritual heritage constantly gets looted by these internal influences (and their numerous variations), causing him to lose knowledge of his true self.  

I have come to understand more about what I am as a person, and where I stand at present. Since past few years, situations and events in my life transformed me from being a purer soul to someone I don't identify myself with. I have had people in my life who have taken advantage of me and my emotions. I have myself to blame, for I was weak and factors of trust, doubt, hatred, anger, pride, jealousy and delusion controlled my emotions, thoughts and hence my decisions. All these negative emotions have made me weak as a person, susceptible to others. Through this years, I always thought why others were behaving the way they did and I was trying to correct them. This resulted in a lot of negative thoughts being build up within me which include frustration, sympathy for self, helplessness, rejection of self. I was not able to forgive others, holding them responsible for the actions. 

I now realize that I was wrong. It is not for them to change, but that I need to change. I have allowed myself to be used, abused (mentally and emotionally) because I was driven by the thoughts of deceit, hatred, self pity and no self dignity. I have given away my power and allowed others to destroy my entity because of these negative thoughts. 

I wish to learn from my experiences....But, before I proceed, it is important that I make a conscious attempt to forgive those, who have had the opportunity to hurt me.  I realize that it is not their fault but mine. I understand from what I learnt, I do not wish to hold anyone else responsible, I wish to take responsibility for my actions and my life. I want to work on growing over my negative influences and seek purity of thought. 

Friends...wish me luck!